you're like a bully in the Christmas story
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
