Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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