have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
