I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
