i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
