My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
