girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
