also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
