I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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