I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize