it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
