It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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