got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
