Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize