the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
