you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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