If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
