My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
