Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
