can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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