I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
