Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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