i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
