My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
