Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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