dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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