All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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