Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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