The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
