You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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