Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
