Your dad touched me again.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
