70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
