there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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