found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
