Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize