My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
