Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
