If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
