Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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