who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
