i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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