it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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