i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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