You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
