So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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