Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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