i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
