I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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