Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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