hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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