Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
