i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
