Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
this is an emotional support booty call
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
