seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
