I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
