I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
